I Take Last New Years Back….

So, I’ve been kind of MIA around here. There is just so much new things coming in my life right now that I’ve been confused. In a good way but in a not so good way too. These past months have been amazing and terrible all at the same time. I’ve had an amazing guy implant himself into my life as something more than a friend. He’s been good to me and good for me. He’s kind of been my mirror. Shaking up my world in every way possible. I honestly think this picture fits perfectly…

Continue reading “I Take Last New Years Back….” →

Since when have those walls been there?

Lately, I’ve been in this weird downward yet upward spiral. It’s confusing as hell and I think I’ve just been going back to old ways and that’s why I’ve been picking up things I used to love like dancing and writing. The problem is, it seems like I can’t anymore. I get scared, terrified really, and I can’t do it. I can’t do it as freely and use those mediums to express myself. I’m trying to think since when those walls have even been up that I can’t let myself be raw and bare and lose myself in what I’m doing? Why now when I’m so desperate to just talk? Is it that I’m scared nobody will here me? Or am I scared that someone will? My cage has gotten ever smaller. *sigh*

Insanity

Things I Wish I Would Have Realized Sooner

I had a sudden realization yesterday. Well, not completely sudden. I had this realization once before, last year, but it left my mind and seemed to have hit me again yesterday. My mother is manipulative. About a lot of things. Especially about my perception on things. Continue reading “Things I Wish I Would Have Realized Sooner” →

“I Know I am Difficult to Coach” and Nine Other Things that Fearful Gymnasts Want to Their Coaches to Know

I wish my coaches would have realized these things.

JAG GYM Blog

I know that I am difficult to coach. My fear makes it hard to coach me, I understand this. It makes my progress slower. It makes you feel like a less effective coach. It makes me feel like a less accomplished athlete.
I worry that you don’t like me. I know that my fear is annoying to you. To my parents. To my other teammates. And to me. And I worry that it is not just my fear that is annoying you all, but it is me that is annoying you. So, in addition to trying to cope with my fear, I am also worried that you don’t like me and don’t want to coach me.
Being fearful is different than being stubborn. The outcome might be the same: not going for a new skill or not completing an assignment. But the source is different. If I were simply being…

View original post 403 more words

quote of the night

I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train….

Multi-Me

“I hold the hands of people I never touch.
I provide comfort to people I never embrace.
I watch people walk into brick walls, the same ones over and over again, and I coax them to turn around and try to walk in a different direction.
People rarely see me gladly. As a rule, I catch the residue of their despair. I see people who are broken, and people who only think they are broken. I see people who have had their faces rubbed in their failures. I see weak people wanting anesthesia and strong people who wonder what they have done to make such an enemy of fate. I am often the final pit stop people take before they crawl across the finish line that is marked: I give up.
Some people beg me to help.
Some people dare me to help.
Sometimes the beggars and the dare-ers look…

View original post 75 more words